Blaming those closest to you after trauma is a very common thing to do. Even though our closest people might be miles away from the traumatic event you are experiencing. I see it all the time with my art therapy clients, it is usually the closest people that cop the brunt of triggered emotions, and often have no clue what is coming up for their loved one. So their first response is usually react or retaliate.
When Ron and I fell in love, I did warn him that my track record with relationships had been a bit sketchy, the past eighteen years since my marriage to Chris ended I had several relationships with partners that lasted from one to four years. I needed my man to be extremely strong in himself, no question of doubt.
My relationship with Ron was going to be different, and I knew when I got to know him I had found a man who knew how to respect women and be patient enough to put up with all the moods and hormones that come with them. This man knew how to withstand the wrath of a burning woman.
I had been burned many times by unfaithful men, so my tolerance and patience had been crushed, I was going to run away fast if I got a whiff of deceit. Then to throw in other birth and childhood traumas, health issues and much more my next partner had to be resilient, calm and patient.
Why did I blame Ron for not being there when I needed him, why did I make him feel scared and insecure after my slippery slope with the birthing goat. What was it about that event that triggered such strong emotions with in me?
I had to unpack this for myself and I had to try and make some sense of this for my husband, so he can understand what were my triggers.
After I meditated on the whole experience, my strong reaction to the goat birth and how I struggled with my mobility, I felt helpless but determined to try and help mother goat with the birth of her baby. I felt it was not so much about that moment, it was connected to my own birth. Me being stuck in the birth canal, my mothers cries for help and then the trauma to get me out. Mum was cut and then I was out. They took me away from my Mother, she required further sedation and intervention.
I was helpless but feeling everything, that my Mother was feeling.
The mother goat and baby definitely triggered an unexpected emotional reaction.
The feeling of not having help, the feeling of feeling stuck all came up for me.
Chapter One Tears of Birth in my book Spirit Being Human is about how I connect my present day experience to past trauma. I share my birth story that was shared with me by my dear Mother.
“You cried nonstop all night which irritated the nursing staff because they all wanted to go to the party” Mum told me once.
I was placed in an isolation crib down the hall for the night. I cried for many hours. Mum never held or nursed me, and from what I understand, no one was there for me for many hours after my birth.
The helpless feeling from birth continued on through my first night on earth.
As soon as I made the link, I told Ron “I am so sorry, I just felt so helpless. I know you never deserved to cop the blame for something you were not even present for” but it was your lack of presence in that moment of need that enhanced the trigger”
Ron looked at me with his very wise blue eyes and said “I know you felt helpless, but I am always here for you Hazel, you are my wife- we look after each other we are a team” he gave me a huge comforting cuddle and reassured me- he understood my trigger response.
That is all I needed. I realised that the goats were fine, Ron and I still had each others backs despite the challenging behaviours that arose between us.
And we had a little Hope, in the shape of a new baby goat.